In Part II of The Price of Privilege, Madeline Levine outlines some of what it takes for children to develop a healthy sense of self, a foundation for successfully navigating life's inevitable vicissitudes. From a psychological standpoint, Levine maintains, “outstanding children are those who have developed a ’self' that is authentic, capable, loving, creative, in control of itself, and moral.” She cautions, however, that affluent parents can often “pressure their children to be outstanding, while neglecting the very process by which outstanding children are formed. ’Outstanding' is not about grades, trophies, high status, or recognition by others, although it certainly may include these things.”
Levine points to several markers which signal that children and adolescents are developing a healthy sense of self: they are starting to feel “effective out in the world”; they exhibit reasonable self-control; they are able to form meaningful and enduring relationships; they have hobbies and interests; “they value and accept themselves”; and they are starting to “know how to take care of themselves.”
But in order for these kinds of competencies to emerge, children must first have developed what Levine calls “self-efficacy,” which is the belief that one can successfully impact one's own world. This is different from self-esteem, which has to do with a sense of one's self-worth. As Levine writes, “Self-efficacy is concerned with judgments of personal capability… When children are high in self-efficacy, they find it easy to act on their own behalf. This ability to act appropriately in one's best interest is termed agency.”
In order to develop agency, children must have the opportunity to play freely and have unstructured time, to accept increasing responsibility for some things for themselves, and to develop self-management skills and internal motivation. When parents organize too much of their children's lives, when they become intrusive or over-protective, or when they are constantly heading things off - even though well meaning - they can inadvertently “diminish a child's sense of efficacy and autonomy” which is critical to healthy development.
As Levine points out, “For many children in this culture, parents' demands for achievement have all but crowded out kids' internal push toward autonomy. It is hard to develop an authentic sense of self when there is a constant pressure to adopt a socially facile, highly competitive, performance-oriented, unblemished ’self' that is promoted by omnipresent adults. This may encourage some children to perform at high levels, but, more important, it also encourages dependency, depression, and a truncated sense of self in most children.”
The faculty recently discussed steps teachers and parents could take to help children develop healthy selves. The following list just begins to get at some of our most important related responsibilities as adults:
- give kids practice handling their own issues and solving their own problems, while still letting them know that adults are here to support and counsel them in their efforts;
- help children put things in perspective and verbalize that perspective;
- avoid “black and white” thinking;
- remind kids of their past successes when they are having difficulty; lead them to think about what led to success in those situations;
- if something doesn't work out, help kids focus on how they can do things better the next time, on what worked and what didn't;
- help children develop the “social scaffolding” they need to relate positively to others, coaching them when they need assistance rather than solving their problems for them;
- be willing to let children struggle at least a bit;
- provide a safe environment in which to make mistakes and in which to fail at small things;
- allow children to experience the consequences of their actions.
One very wise faculty member pointed out that to her the most important quote in the book is this one that appears on page 112: “Children need to see that we value their character first, their effort second, and then their grades.”
When Levine comes to The Country School on November 8, she will be focusing on these very issues-of how adults can help children develop strong selves and avoid the not necessarily apparent pitfalls of privilege. I strongly recommend that at least one parent from every family find a way to be present at what I know will be a thought-provoking and instructive evening.