Raising Your Challenging Child Part 3

8/8/2016

By: Annie Hasselgren

This will conclude the 3-part review of Dr. Dan Shapiro's "Raising Your Challenging Child" workshop in Easton.

Welcome to the final installment on “Raising Your Challenging Child.” In part 2, I covered the first two items on the to-do list I came away with from the workshop: Special Time and categorizing behaviors and their consequences. The remaining items are instituting a personalized rewards system for each of my sons, and striving to achieve the “third way of parenting,” which I will get to shortly. At the end, I will offer a more in-depth look at using empathy and self-reflection to relate to your child and foster your relationship, as well as some tools for solving daily problems within your family.

REWARDS

The first commandment of reward systems, according to Dr. Shapiro, is to realize that their success relies upon modifying the adult’s behavior FIRST, and then the child’s. Doing a bit of data gathering before implementing a reward system can provide parents with a “big picture” look at how pervasive the problem is that they are seeking to correct.

In my case, my 6-year-old commonly uses a disrespectful tone of voice—even in situations when there is no obvious reason for him to be upset or angry, leading me to assume that this is something that has truly become a habit. Dr. Shapiro recommended first establishing a baseline frequency to gauge how many times a day the dreaded tone slips out. (Buying a clicker that ticket-takers use can be a handy tool to accomplish this, or you can simply make tick marks on paper.)

I spent a couple days clocking the number of times Finn spoke with a tone of voice that I found unacceptable, which was, on average, 10 times per day. We then had a discussion about why this behavior upsets Mommy and Daddy, and the steps we were going to take together to stop it. I put 10 marbles in a jar the next morning and reminded him about our talk. I told him that they were his to lose, depending on the choices he makes in how he speaks to us. I didn’t explain this part to him, but there is more to the system: I did not expect him to keep all 10 marbles the first day. Any habit is difficult to break and takes time, so I decided that if he kept half of his marbles the first couple days, that was great progress; then, maybe he’d keep 6 or 7 a few days later; et cetera. One marble would be removed for each disrespectful statement he made to us or his brother. Dr. S also impressed upon me the importance of not losing patience in those moments, and rather that I should simply inform him—without emotion—that he has lost a marble and take it out of the jar.

Ian’s reward system was much more straightforward: use the potty to go number two and pick an outing. On the whole, this has worked very well and just yesterday both my boys received rewards: Ian chose mini golf in Rehoboth and Finn got to choose whether we got ice cream or went to Candy Kitchen afterward. In the middle of their twist cones with rainbow sprinkles, I laid on the praise for their achievements and hard work in their respective endeavors, and they beamed from ear to ear.

Also very important to the success of reward systems: Dr. Shapiro strongly recommends letting your child manufacture the rewards list. It may be tempting to devise the list yourself so as to avoid doing or buying things you dread, but you can’t be sure that you will choose things that are guaranteed to motivate your child to work toward. For instance, whereas my list would have contained dessert on a day we don’t normally have it, iPad time, and new shoes (all very convenient options for me), Finn’s list included going to the pool, new goggles, and—heart-warmingly—more Special Time with me and my husband.

Another cardinal rule of reward systems: NEVER offer rewards in the moment that are not well thought out. As parents, we have all resorted to what are essentially bribes at various times: “clean your room now and you can stay up 15 minutes later,” “let the dog out and you can finish that package of candy,” etc. These haphazard offers do nothing to effect your child’s motivation, do not provide a useful learning opportunity, and convey to your child that it is a desperate moment for you as a parent that they have the power to prolong. Well-crafted reward systems, on the other hand, put a framework in place that encourages ongoing compliance, behavior modification, and hard work to achieve a sought-after item or privilege—not to mention the satisfaction your child will experience when he realizes he can accomplish what he puts his mind to for a sustained period of time.

Some other recommendations Dr. Shapiro makes to parents when formulating a reward system are:

Individualize / custom-design the system based on your child - Do not replicate a system or its rewards for another child who may not be motivated by the same things.
Evaluate whether the rewards should be delayed or immediate - Whereas a 12-year-old could be expected to wait a week for his or her reward, a 2-year-old should not.
Ensure that the rewards are novel and ever-changing rather than familiar and predictable - Every couple weeks, offer your child the option to change their chosen rewards.
Turn “assumed rights” into “earned privileges” - Just because the family owns a TV does not necessarily mean that everyone has the right to watch it at their leisure, for example.
Only use rewards that you won’t regret denying - This was one of my favorites because it reminds us as parents to always be fair and never withhold what could be truly detrimental to our children. For instance, I would not want to deny reading books at bedtime, play dates or other events that could impact my kids’ social lives (unless, when they are older, specific circumstances dictated otherwise), Special Time, phone calls with grandparents or other family members, and so forth.

With all of this in mind, I personally felt empowered and prepared to devise and implement a reward systems for my sons that, so far, is working well.

THE THIRD WAY OF PARENTING

In the workshop, Dr. Shapiro touched upon three parenting styles:

Authoritarian (my way) - This style of parenting is characterized by high demands on the children and low responsiveness from the parents. Parents with an authoritarian style have very high expectations of their children, yet provide very little in the way of feedback and nurturing. Mistakes are often punished harshly and praise for successes withheld, leaving children feeling unimportant and, sometimes, even unloved.
Permissive (your way) - Permissive parenting is the antithesis of authoritarian: low demands on kids with high responsiveness from parents. Permissive parents are often very loving, but fail to provide guidelines and rules. These parents tend not to expect mature behavior from their children and often appear to be more of a friend than a parental figure. In the absence of rules, expectations, and demands, children raised by permissive parents tend to struggle with self-regulation and -control.
Authoritative (our way) - Characterized by reasonable demands and high responsiveness, authoritative parenting strikes a balance between fair, clear rules and guidelines for children, and a lot of love, nurturing, and reassurance from the parents. Authoritative parents can still hold high expectations for their children and require that they adhere to a certain standard, while also providing them with the resources, support, and love they need to succeed.

EMPATHY / SELF-REFLECTION

One of Dr. Shapiro’s statements during the workshop stuck in my mind: “If I were to be stranded on a desert island and could only take two parenting tools along,” he said, “they would be empathy and Special Time.” And for good reason. These are the two most powerful ways for a parent to connect with their child. This was the common thread throughout the entire workshop: prioritize a connection and strong relationship with your child, and a lot will simply fall into place.

As I discussed in part 1 of this series, all parents feel hurt—or even insulted—by their kids’ unappreciative or unmotivated demeanor at times, but it’s important, Dr. S says, to always consider the circumstances and remember that no one is motivated all the time. Below are some recommendations he makes for problem-solving through empathy:

No “buts.” It’s very important not to qualify your attempt to validate your chid’s feelings.

“I can understand why you might feel that way, but I just want what’s best for you.” This statement exemplifies a parent’s attempt to quickly get his or her side of the story in, when what your child really needs is for you to just listen and understand. This tactic immediately undercuts your attempt at being empathic and will increase the distance between you and your child. Some more effective statements are:

“I guess you don’t feel like doing that right now.”

“I can tell you’re really angry with me.”

“That sure is frustrating.”

Avoid power struggles. Don’t get into a back-and-forth discussion with your child. Listening and expressing empathy is all you need to do, and there is no goal other than making them feel heard.
Help your child feel understood. That’s what empathy is, after all, isn’t it? When a kid is frustrated and lacking in the skills needed to initiate a self-aware conversation with you, it is your job to communicate your concern and understanding for how he or she must be feeling.
Teach the language of emotions. Try to view the times when your child is having difficulty as learning opportunities. Help your child practice verbalizing their feelings and, if you sense it would be well-received, offer some words your child could use to label and explain his or her emotions.
Make a genuine effort to understand your child. Kids can tell when you’re putting on an act, so try to go deeper and really grasp how they’re feeling. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of mentally rolling your eyes at your kid’s emotion as an excuse to avoid addressing it. But each time that happens, it is a missed opportunity for reassuring your child that you will be there for him, even when he isn’t “together.”

Dr. Shapiro suggests also trying to anticipate upcoming situations that might make your child emotional and talking about them ahead of time. This might include feelings of separation anxiety at camp, social anxiety at a dance, fear of failing a test, or nervousness about a driving test. Discussing with your child how to recognize and manage her emotions can equip her with the tools to cope with most any situation.

PROBLEM SOLVING

Dr. Shapiro talked a lot about the importance of teaching your child to solve problems with a straightforward formula called STEPS:

Say what the problem is

Think about solutions

Examine each

Pick the best

See how it works

I shared a recent incident that happened in our family, and Dr. S walked me through how I could address it with my son. A few weeks ago, my husband and two sons were playing in our trampoline. Our boys covet this time with him after work in the evenings and usually tend to get a bit out of hand, vying for his attention. Angry that my husband was focusing his attention at the moment on our toddler, our 6-year-old lashed out, kicking him hard in the lower back as he was kneeling. Both Finn and my husband were mad, and the situation escalated. I went outside and got Finn before things got worse.

Once inside, I asked him what had made him so upset (although I had a feeling he was jealous of the attention Ian was receiving). Initially, he played the blame game: “Daddy yelled at me, he’s so mean, he doesn't even like me,” et cetera. I listened quietly—having to almost literally bite my tongue to keep from pointing out how much his dad loves him—until he said everything he wanted to say. I made my best attempt at validating his feelings and said I understood how he would feel upset to be excluded from what they were doing when they only have a couple hours with Dad on weeknights. And although our conversation ended here, Dr. S explained how I could take it further and create a forum for helping Finn solve his problem, which I later did.

First, I asked Finn to say what the problem was: “Sometimes Daddy only pays attention to Ian in the trampoline.” Next, we made a list of solutions, which included playing games that all three of them can participate in; having Special Time with Daddy that doesn’t include Ian; surrounding the trampoline with a locked fence to which only Finn possesses the key; getting rid of the trampoline; and kicking Daddy every time he makes Finn mad. Some of these silly ones are important and necessary for creating the cognitive dissonance that shows your kid that, unless they change their behavior or reactions to things, nothing will change.

We examined each solution (and laughed our heads off at imagining some of them), Finn ranked them on a continuum of sad-to-happy faces (sad=not a good solution, happy=great solution), and he rather astutely at eliminated the ones that were clearly duds. The winning solutions ended up being Special Time with Daddy and selecting games all three of them can play together. We tried both that evening and it really seemed to make an impression on Finn. He later boasted proudly that he had fixed his problem. Addressing issues in this way (through empathy and problem-solving) encourages us to pivot from reactive parenting to proactive parenting, and teaches our kids something valuable in the process.

Hopefully, our readers have taken something away from this series on “Raising Your Challenging Child” and will find success in implementing the expert recommendations from Dr. Dan Shapiro. For more information on Dr. Shapiro’s program offerings, visit his website at parentchildjourney.com. Dr. Shapiro and his business partner, Sarah Wayland, Ph.D., host workshops throughout Maryland and the greater Washington DC area.

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