Right Start Blog

Mrs. Lang Offers Parents a Middle School Survival Guide

By: Tori Lang
Spanish teacher Tori Lang offers parents some tips on communicating with their middle schooler....from the perspective of her middle-schooler mind.
“I’ll never be able to show my face in school again.”

I found this gem of a sentence when I was very recently combing through old pictures to share with my four-year old son.  In my quest to find pictures, I found the Holy Grail of my adolescence (and a true artifact in this Millennial age) - my treasured, tattered, and dog-eared journal. The next few hours were spent poring over the many ridiculous, self-centered, and completely bizarre musings of my twelve-year-old mind. After sharing a few choice paragraphs with a colleague for laughs, I realized something: This is why the seventh graders (girls, especially) report that seventh grade is the absolute worst year of middle school.  

Before I go any further, I must reveal that the “not showing my face” comment was the result of my crush circling “NO” to my friend’s note asking him to attend the winter dance with me. To say I was crushed would be an understatement. I’m 100% serious. Fortunately, this inconvenient moment in my pre-teen life is perfectly illustrative of the ridiculous social pressure that seventh graders (and most middle school students) put on themselves. Rosalind Wiseman, an expert on girls’ lives in middle school and beyond, backs up my claim in her book, Queen Bees & Wannabes.  I recently re-read this story following an invigorating and captivating chat she gave at the Avalon Theater about how to support young kids today. Wiseman and I agree that the social aspect of these years matters more than any academic lesson a child will learn, at least in the young students’ mind. She cited, “[a middle school girl is] facing the toughest pressures of adolescent life...figuring out the social whirl, toughing it out in school…and even though she’s sometimes totally obnoxious, she needs you more than ever.” This can apply to boys or girls in my opinion though she focuses primarily on girls. Pre-adolescent students don’t face these pressures on a normal scale. In fact, any humiliation they feel is an intensified version of what is really happening and, as my journal musings above describe,  these moments can truly make or break one’s current and future social standing.

I am by no means an expert in dealing with middle school students, but I do have a lot of experience helping them navigate the middle school social struggle. I’m privileged to teach children who feel they can trust me to help them work through these problems; and in my years at The Country School, I have seen tremendous growth happen when I just sit back and listen to what is going on. To that end, this is my most crucial piece of advice to any parent: just listen. These are the years when students need you the most. They may not be willing to share everything with you, but they will reach a point where they need to share something.  Be ready. As Wiseman suggests: “In any conversation [that starts with, ‘It’s not a big deal, but…’] there are two goals: The first is having a productive conversation with her; the second is helping her develop realistic strategies to confront her problem effectively. You’ll never accomplish the second goal without the first.” With the help of Wiseman and my middle school mind, here are a few strategies to use with your middle school child to help weather the storm, along with excerpts from my very own joural:

1. 
“The thing that totally drives me mental is Shamara and her crowd making fun of me and my friends. We used to be such good friends. She even let me read her diary.  I don’t know what happened.” - 6th grade

Expect friendships to change (sometimes on a daily basis). I remember starting sixth grade...when I was no longer cool enough to hang out with my former best friend. Suddenly, the rules of the hierarchy had changed and no one was anyone unless they had a boyfriend or girlfriend. It was probably at that time that life started to get really confusing and my confidence went down the drain. When this happens, be prepared to deal with the fallout.  Trust me, it will happen in some way. Students’ interests change, and girls experience puberty before boys in most cases. So, it’s important that the student have an outlet that serves to build his/her confidence. Or, the student at least needs a person he/she feels comfortable confiding in. For me, that outlet was writing. For others, it might be sports or theater or church youth groups.

2. “I think I have trapped myself as an unhappy teenager, but I make my own problems.” - 7th grade

This shining moment happened following me dumping my best friend because she flirted with my crush. Then she spread a nasty rumor about me. At some time or another, your middle schooler is going to be confronted with gossip - as a topic, as a bystander, or even as the one who generates the gossip. Gossip can be truly awful for an egocentric, emotionally fragile middle schooler. So, have a plan in place to deal with gossip on all fronts. Make sure your student knows how fast gossip can get out of hand. Make sure he/she knows the value of standing up for someone or something instead of being a bystander. Finally, be sure that your student’s values make it possible for him or her to risk status to do the right thing. Wiseman suggests, “You can help your daughter develop a strong sense of self. You can teach her personal responsibility, confidence in her abilities, and empathy toward others. You want her to be an authentic person able to realize her full individual potential while being connected to her loved ones and community.”

3.   “I seem like a happy 14-year-old, but inside I am confused, scared, and want to change everything about myself. I get good grades and I know that I am well-liked, but I feel like I need to change everything about myself everyday.” - 8th grade

Always check in. Even when students say things are fine, they usually still want you to check in. They may not reveal anything to you, but hearing that you care about what’s going on means a lot even if they don’t show it. When there is so much going on emotionally, it’s important to let them know you are there too. And, of course, do what my parents (and your parents and their parents) probably did - teach your student to be confident, even in the face of social pressure. Continue to say how wonderful and talented and hardworking they are, and highlight their strengths when they tell you their flaws or weaknesses. These declarations will help knock students back down to Earth because, as Wiseman points out, “Obsession in middle school is worse because you have nothing to compare it to.”

4. “Summer is officially over in 2 days.  I’ll be back and in 8th grade this time. I’m actually excited about school, but soon I’ll hate it. I wonder if 8th will be better than 7th was. I hope so.” - 7th grade

Most importantly, keep it all in perspective. This is the one skill middle schoolers lack, and I guess it’s easy for us as parents and mentors to fall into their way of thinking. But seventh grade does eventually end. Middle school does, too. Your child will most likely finish middle school having learned lessons that translate to much more than a classroom setting. In the thick of it, it feels like the worst years of their lives, but when they make it through, they usually emerge as confident, caring, kind, and accomplished young adults. After all, I am here to tell the tale twenty-some years later. The words one might come across in my journal would probably make one think differently; and no one would guess I had grown into a confident and self-sufficient woman. Yet, I did. So next time your child comes home from school complaining about the worst day ever, just humor her and think back to your middle school moments. You might even be tempted to dig out your old journal.


Wiseman, Rosalind. Queen Bees & Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boys, and the New Realities of Girl World. Three Rivers Press, 2002.



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